Day go by....

And still I think of you.
Almost 3 weeks and she still comes to me.  *smile*

The day after....

Last night after Tee passed, we all went back to the house to chill a little. The mood was oddly light.  I don't know if it was bc we had already come to terms with what was enevitable, or if we were jaded to the reality of the matter....

This morning I feel I personally was jaded last night. Not realizing that IT was over. Her life. Never shall she see her grand children. Shell never meet her sons wives. She won't be there for lots of thing....I guess I'm in the its not fair stage of greiving...it not fucking fair. There so sooo many terrible, horrible, EVIL ppl out there. People who don't love their family. People who only wish EVIL thing on others. Ppl who would not be mourned, or missed..ppl whose absence whould not alter the path of the people around them....fuckin EvIL ppl. This is the last place they will ever live rent free! EVIL is out of our minds, because Tee now resides in our hearts, as we love her, she loves us more.

The chill

It occured, on april 18th around 11:30p.....

My sister was a vacuum cleaner wen it came to cocaine....
The four line story....
Decided to go shopping at pathmark where she worked
And yeah...great stories!!

Early morn....

640 am I get a call from Carrol, hysterical! She actually got sleep last night, but woke up to davi sleeping, and a quiet hose.....so I assume her thought took over cus she was crying uncontrollably.
710am I get to carrol, she so upset. she's on the phone a long time friend, telling her the same thing everyone tells her lately, don't let Angela occupy space in ur mind. She has enough to worry about without all this unimportant crap and energy that Angela brings..
830 at the hospice everyone is sleeping....She made a comment to me but no one understood wat she says not even me......watever. she really doesn't want to be a bitch to me. I have be neutral over all.
Let see how it goes....

Round one.

I'm pretty sure T was suprised her sisters made it this long wo going at each other......story from Carrol is that Ang was trying to pour water down Ts thoat...and she went to stop her and there was an altercation involving carrol grabing angs hair in order to break her fall.....Ang says she was not trying to give her water at the time that carrol pulled her hair.....idk who to believe.. I know carrol and how she reacts and ang may have instigated the sitch but damn! I'm pissed now..........
This is their sister! Blood! This bs ego crap should not be happening right now!! She is not doing well and they shoulf just suck it the fuck up!!I really can not justify eithers behavior........

I said it.....

Kinda underminded by a fight.....but I got to speak to T alone. It was nice altho I know she is fading, I can still feel her energy, today more than any other....

What time is it.....

Today Carrol seems even more intent on getting an exact date as to when T will pass. I wish the doctors would stop giving her these answers like they EVERYTHING! They do not. No one does. And knowing when some is going pass is not one of those things that no one can't know. I know that she is just exhausted from the worrie and the agony of losing her best friend, her mother, her sister....and she's just wants all the pain for everyone to stop, the pain that T may be in, and the pain of herself and  everyone that stands at her bedside, longing for the woman in the distant memory in their head.
The sight of her today looked more peaceful. I felt an energy fom her today. Like a she's is half with us and half with well u know,  like she's holding on for something or someone... I've been wanting to tell he somthing but I want to tell her alone, just me and T. I wanna tell her that ....well that'll be between me and her :)..
So I just got a fb message from Damian. I was wondering today if anyone told him......I mean he is a long standing family friend....idk I just thought he would want to know...he didn't know....he said he gonna go up there.
Idk how I feel about this my sadness seems to stem from more than just the absence of a wonderful person to have around during out path in life, its more of the butterfly effect I feel it may have on those who love her....not ready for details I cried enough today...death fuckin sucks, but then again so does life sometimes.... 

Fading

What does it feels like ? The "transition" is what they call it. Trasition. Why call it that?  Making it sound exciting......but this is no where near exciting. The emotion is dark. Okk no more poetic talk. No back story, straight to it.

I picked Carrol up this morning, dooming the emotions I knew were coming. Being so close but still outside the family, I've avoided feeling the sadness and hurt that comes along with eminent passing........
10:13 Carrol and Uncle Johnny just went down to smoke, in front of the "no smoking" signs posted.....
Joey and Mike arrive...sitting in the same room with either make me uncomforted. No matter how untrue, I feel like there's a secret and everyone knows it but everyone is acting like it doesn't exist....the secret being the.....ok I'm not even ready to devulge our not so secret secret.
Funny how.....I say that way to much, I never mean funny haha, but usually I mean ironic or unfortunate. Like, its funny how some one who has lived a life that my not be the "norm" or "idealistic" but her soul was, well, you would have to meet her to know. Like a beautiful flower, a Poppy ofcourse ;) , and a firecracker all in one.